About

The engine cuts and in the muffled silence of the car, I summon myself from somewhere deep inside my mind. I have a lot on my plate at work right now and the minute I get inside I need to be on point. I need to be thinking in terms of square feet and structural calculations but in this moment the only math I can conjure is two minus one equals one.

 

One. The thought of being single after twenty years of being married to one person is super unsettling. I would have to start all over. Learn all about a whole new human. How many humans will I have to go through before I find one I like? I shudder at the thought. I'lll never marry again.

 

The knob of the door is cool in the morning October air and it helps ground me. With each step I take up the stairs to my office, I can feel the mask calcify into what I think is the right facial expression - neutral content. I reach the top of the stairs and hear the cheerful "Good morning sunshine!" from our office manager. We are the only two women in the whole company and we've developed a nice little friendship. "Good morning buttercup!" I finish our daily greeting.

 

At the top of the stairs, to the left is our 'conference room'. We are a relatively young company and with only four of us in the office we don't need a lot of space. The owners have their own offices toward the back of the space and just over the staircase is another office. Up the stairs and to the right is my office; a reformed closet. About 60 square feet is all I need for my computer, two monitors and space to spread out the blueprints. The lamp throws a warm light into the wood paneled walls and for the first time since Friday, I feel safe. The feeling reminds me how detached I've been for the last three days, as though suspended over some canyon too deep to understand and equally as dark. In a second I'm washed over by another wave of despair. 

 

"Hey! How was your weekend?" I jump at the unexpected friendly intrusion. "Oh, are you alright?" My boss took one look at me and saw the tears brimming in my eyes; a betrayal of the carefully constructed mask, and his voice softened. Genuine concern streaked across his forehead and the pity in his eyes is all it takes to unravel the delicate fence I'd woven around my emotions. 

 

I nod in his direction, 'Yes of course I'm alright. Obviously.' just as my eyebrows crumple into the bridge of my nose.

 

"I'm going to leave you right here. Take whatever time you need. I'm in the office all day if you need to talk." His expression was soft and understanding as he reached into my office, grabbed the door knob and closed the door softly behind him. Alone, I grabbed the jacket I'd just taken off, rolled it into a ball and heaved my ache silently into the worn wool. 

​

—

 

I can hear my officemates packing up for the day and chatting among themselves about billing for one of our projects. I hear heavy footsteps head down the stairs first; it's the operations guy and closely thereafter I hear just outside my door, "Good night sunshine". The tenderness in her voice is too much so I just close my eyes and nod from behind my closed office door. She's headed down the steps and, I can't be sure, but it sounds like I have the office to myself now. My shoulders relax a little. I made it through the day.

 

Just in that moment there is a soft knock on my door. "Can I come in?" 

 

Dammit. Caught off guard, I say, 'yes.'

 

My boss is a gentle giant. He clocks in at about 6'3" and looks extra big as he takes the other seat in my tiny office. "So, what's going on?" The question is more tender than it is demanding as he leans forward, elbows on his knees and hands together. I take a deep breath.

 

"Well, I think I'm getting a divorce." The words spit out of my mouth fast so as not to trip up on the catch in my throat. He stays silent and slowly nods, encouraging me to go on. "Friday night I found out he's been cheating on me and I don't know if I want to try to save the marriage or walk away from it." A purse develops on his lips and he looks down at the floor and my eyes flood with water once again. "Frankly, this marriage has been a mess for years. I was just waiting for our kids to go off to college so we could focus on ourselves and find each other again but now... I don't know." I reach for a tissue but settle for a used one from the trash bin when I find the box empty.

 

His silence is steady and calm and I can see he is thinking. Is he looking for something to say? Oh god no... the last thing I need is my boss to be comforting me about my carcass of a marriage. Discomfort settles in and I realize how gross it is that I just reused a snotty tissue from the garbage bin. 

 

"So-", I look up at him and he continues, "I'm sorry to hear this is happening to you right now. I'm not sure there is much I can do about it, but you do have a bonus check coming. I'm going to have Denise cut you a check for that instead of depositing it into your bank account directly."

 

I can feel my head tilt to the side, struck by the reasonability of it. I wasn't thinking about money yet. I'm going to need money.

 

"Also, if you need a place to stay, I have some apartments coming available at our building. We should be able to work something out for you if you need something."

 

My head tilts to the other side. Yes. A place to stay. If I need a place to stay. I hadn't thought further than 'do I stay or do I go' and with these two simple offers, all of a sudden I feel grounded and it dawns on me.

 

I have a good job.

I have a beautiful house with my name on the deed.

I have a car that has my name on the title.

I have a support system of people around me.

 

For the first time in days, my diaphragm relaxes entirely, my shoulders fall and the muscles in my face go slack. As though there'd been smoke in the room, he opened the window and the passing wind sucked the dust cloud from my head and with it, went the despair.